A Confession

Tolstoy states that he endeavored to understand the life of the common Russian laborer. He tried to live simply “according to the ways of God” (77) while working hard. He disliked the superstitious rituals accompanying faith but accepted them. Life felt full of meaning in part because of his new view of faith. He concluded that “only the principles of faith gave life meaning” (78) and that at its core, faith is about finding a permanent meaning that is unphased by the reality of death.

Tolstoy tried to come to terms with the rituals he disliked by studying theology, which stated that “faith is rooted in the infallibility of the Church” (79). Refusing to commit oneself to church rituals, on this view, results in destruction of love and therefore the possibility of understanding the truth. Tolstoy later found this argument flawed, but for the time it helped him to fully participate in the Orthodox Church. In the end, he still failed to understand how his fellow believers could maintain their faith in bizarre concepts like the Trinity.

Tolstoy says that he ignored contradictions in Orthodox teachings because he found meaning in the underlying faith. However, most of the rituals and main holidays were “utterly incomprehensible” to him (81). It caused Tolstoy pain to, for example, take communion while being told by a priest to believe he was eating the real flesh and blood of Christ.

The author felt closer to the truth when he listened to poor, illiterate men discuss their views about faith and life and when he read stories that accepted miracles as illustrations of principles rather than true events. On the other hand, Tolstoy came close to despair whenever he mixed with intelligent people.