Beautiful Country: A Memoir

Qian was invited to an overnight field trip the week that Ma Ma was to come home from the hospital. Ba Ba encouraged Qian to attend, despite her worrying about leaving Ma Ma at home without her. Qian understood what was beneath Ba Ba’s encouragement: He felt that she would be in the way. Ba Ba’s criticism had become constant. When Qian wanted to apply to a prestigious school for gifted children, the NYC Lab Middle School for Collaborative Studies, Ba Ba told Qian that she would only be disappointed when she was rejected. Since Qian no longer feared embarrassment or rejection, she decided to try anyway. She attended the interview at Lab by herself and impressed the interviewer with her knowledge of books. In the hallways of Lab, Qian noted students of different races together, joking and laughing. It was very different from the school she currently attended.

When she told her father and Mr. Kane that she had been accepted into Lab, both reacted with disbelief. Mr. Kane tried to dissuade her from attending, saying that the work would be too difficult for her. Qian, though, felt that she was doing what Ma Ma would have wanted.

On the overnight field trip, Qian listened to Mr. Kane, knowing this was the best way to appease him. In the room she shared with three other girls, Qian fought the cold of the castle they were visiting. When she came home, she found that Ma Ma did not seem to have improved. She stayed in bed all day and was in constant pain. When Marilyn appeared at the window, Qian let her in and placed her to sleep in the bed with Ma Ma while Qian read White Fang. When Ba Ba discovered the cat in the bed, he put the cat back outside, insisting that Marilyn was bad luck.

The next week Ma Ma was back in the hospital. Her body had not adjusted to the loss of her gallbladder and part of her liver, and she developed pancreatitis. The doctors placed Ma Ma on food supplements, and her face soon grew rosy and rounder. Each doctor directed her with dietary instructions: no more canned food, less salt. The family could not afford the diet they suggested. Meanwhile, Qian’s fifth grade graduation week was full of expensive class trips that Qian avoided. The school instructed each girl to wear a white dress to graduation, so one of Ma Ma’s friends took Qian to Macy’s to buy a dress she knew her parents would not have been able to afford. Mr. Kane admonished Qian for skipping graduation activities, telling her that she would never get anywhere in life that way. 

The graduation ceremony was long and arduous. Qian could not understand why they had to sing “True Colors,” “Every Breath You Take,” or Bette Midler’s “The Wind Beneath My Wings.” Qian gave up looking for Ma Ma in the throngs of parents and began to cry. She begged God not to take Ma Ma away from her.

The summer after graduation brought a number of changes for the Wang family. Ma Ma graduated with her computer science degree after studying in the hospital. Although Ma Ma insisted that she was better, Qian took note of how frail and slow Ma Ma was now. She no longer confided her worries to Qian. Instead, she told Qian that they had to work to change their luck, which Qian took to mean that she had brought bad luck to her family. Her mother had had two abortions before Qian. The two babies Ma Ma had aborted were boys, but Qian had been an unlucky girl.

Ma Ma tried to improve their lives and luck by buying many lottery tickets, but the most they ever won was five dollars. At graduation, Qian won a $50 gift certificate to Barnes and Noble. Ba Ba took her to the store and helped her select serious books that would help her academically. Although she never read these books, she kept them by her bedside table as a reminder of the dream her father had for her. Qian was also thrilled by a gift from her father: the highly coveted Tamagotchi. 

One day, Ba Ba came home excited to show her and Ma Ma something else he had purchased. He took them outside and showed them a car—Ba Ba had recently obtained his driver’s license. Ma Ma was angry with him for buying the car without discussing it with her first. Although Qian wanted to celebrate with her father, she felt as though she should be angry at him too. 

Her first day at Lab, Qian arrived early to take advantage of the breakfast vouchers the school had provided her. Ba Ba told her that it would be hard to be one of the only students receiving free food, but when she sat at a table, she was soon joined by a few girls who became her friends. All of them were also immigrants. One of them was Gloria, who was Chinese like Qian, but was kind and soft-spoken. The new school challenged Qian. The teachers required her to use knowledge in practical ways and to think deeply about what she was reading. Ms. Rothstein gave Qian a copy of The Giver, a book that Qian cherished. At school, Qian felt that she and Gloria were lower on the social ladder than her other friends. Qian took to bullying Gloria to make herself feel better. At the lunch table, Qian made fun of Gloria for not knowing what “R&B” stood for, only to be embarrassed when it was revealed that she also did not know. 

Ma Ma and Ba Ba’s arguing grew increasingly worse. Ma Ma wanted to learn to drive their new car, but Ba Ba insisted that she would harm it. The car was stolen and vandalized a number of times, and each time Ba Ba had to get expensive repairs. Ma Ma argued that he cared more about the car than he did about his family. Ma Ma instead learned to drive in Lao Jim’s car, infuriating Ba Ba. She spent more and more time with a friend in Long Island. During one meal, Qian’s parents arguing reached a new level, and they spat words at each other that Qian had never heard them use. At one point, Ba Ba reached across the kitchen table and slapped Ma Ma before storming out of the room. Ma Ma pretended to be fine, but the red mark of her father’s hand burned in Qian’s brain. 

After the incident, Ma Ma set about spring cleaning. She helped Qian organize her clothes and insisted that she return her books to the library. When Qian protested, Ma Ma said it was not nice to hold on to books that she had already finished. Qian convinced her mother to allow her to keep one library book that she had not yet finished, Julie of the Wolves.

After school the next day, Qian saw Ma Ma in the parking lot behind the steering wheel of their new car. She told Qian to get in and to navigate the map. They were headed to Long Island, and would soon be off to Canada, which was looking for educated immigrants and would grant them Maple Leaf Cards, the Canadian equivalent of a Green Card. In Canada, Qian would be able to go to college, and they would have free healthcare. Ma Ma had tried to convince Ba Ba to go to Canada, but he had refused. After he hit her, Ma Ma knew it was time to leave.

In Long Island, Qian met Ma Ma’s friend Ah Yi. Ah Yi gave them a room in her beautiful brick house and a bathroom of their own. She also took them to the movies. Qian was overwhelmed by the luxury of it all.

The drive to Canada was long. Ah Yi and Ma Ma took turns driving. They arrived at the Canadian border where there were many uniformed officials, and Ma Ma told Qian not to worry. The Canadian officer smiled at Qian and told her to sit while he spoke with her mother. Qian played with her Tamagotchi, contemplating letting it die. After a while, Ma Ma called Qian. The Canadian officer escorted them back outside and inspected the vehicle and its contents. He then welcomed them to their new home. In the car, Qian revived the Tamagotchi.

A few weeks later, Ba Ba made his way to Canada to join them. Ma Ma and Qian went to China, finally able to legally travel and visit home for the first time. Qian was relieved to find that the parts of her personality she had cherished when they lived in China were still there. In Canada, Ma Ma and Ba Ba told Qian to never speak about their experiences in the US. She adopted Julie as her name and attempted to bury the memories. Her parents’ relationship never improved.

After high school, Qian went back to America, determined to succeed in New York as a lawyer. At Swarthmore College, she was met with more disbelief and laughter when she shared her dream of law school. At every turn, she tried to bury the little girl that shaped her and continue to pursue her dream. One day, during her second clerkship, it all came out. Qian spilled her history to the gentle and kind judge, telling her about her experiences and hunger. The judge listened compassionately and then affirmed Qian’s experiences and dreams. The judge uttered a line that has stuck with Wang: “Secrets. They have so much power, don’t they?” Wang knew that she could not escape her past, no matter how much she tried. Instead, she allowed the judge’s words to light her path in the face of adversity and memory.